Jason vs Fandom
by Melanie Gracey
Summary: Oneshot, short. Jason versus a few fans that stumble on his cabin. Hilarity ? ensues. Rated T for some gore, just to be safe.


Jason vs. Fandom

Tired, wet, and bloody from a day of killing, Jason Voorhees silently treaded back to his cabin in the woods near Crystal Lake, dragging his signature machete behind him. This was his favorite time of day; the woods were still, dark and seemed so tranquil. No pesky, topless teenagers running to and fro; he could be all alone…or at least, with mother.

He opened he door and headed for bed, throwing his machete aside and nodding to a shrine where his mother's distorted, shriveled head sat.

Just as he was beginning to take off his boots, Jason heard a noise. It was probably just an animal outside, he thought; nevertheless, he grabbed his machete and tensed up, ready.

Suddenly, the front door burst open and a teenage girl with black pants, oversized sneakers, a formless t-shirt and long blue hair came running in; she wasn't muddy, or terrified, or even nervous, apparently. In fact, she looked…_happy_ to be in the cabin. Was she looking for a hideout? Jason didn't stop to wonder; he got to his feet and started toward her. She squealed…in delight.

"Ohmigod Jason! I found your cabin!" she exclaimed, talking faster and faster. "I can't believe it; you're, like, my favorite killer of all time! Much better than Freddy or Leatherfa –"

Her babbling was cut short when Jason sliced her midsection in two with one stroke. She fell face-forward, still grinning, her blood pooling around her. Jason looked at her for a moment, then threw both parts in a corner along with some other dismembered bodies.

Perhaps she was drunk or had overdosed on drugs; it was hard to tell these days. But what did she mean by "Freddy" or "Leatherfa –"? Were these other hockey mask-wearing vigilantes with sick devotions to their dead mothers? The thought boggled him.

Very soon, Jason heard another pair of footsteps and a short, chubby teenage boy burst into the room. He had large square glasses, a t-shirt that said "JASON RULES" in big red letters, and an acne problem. He stared at the masked killer in awe.

"You know, the probability that I would've found your cabin was against me. But as you can see, I have braved the wilderness of your beloved Crystal Lake to find you!" he pulled a disposable camera out of his pocket. "Wait'll my buddies on the forum find out I met the real Jason Voorhees! Now, would you mind posing, or something, because that'd make it a whole lot more inter –"

Jason quickly sliced his head off, letting it roll across the floor and watching the body fall forward with a _thud_. He talked too much, anyway, Jason thought, tossing the head out the window and roughly shoving the body into the corner.

Over the next hour, several more teenagers, apparently _looking_ for him, ran into the cabin. One girl with too many piercings ran in, proclaiming that she loved him and that she understood his problems; another girl ran in, throwing herself on his bed and screeching at him to "have her babies!!"; a thin, tall boy with hair covering his face just looked around and said, "Cool." Each was dispatched of in the proper manner.

When he was sure they were gone, Jason looked innocently at his mother's head. She appeared scowl at him, though it could have been a smile. Either way, she seemed to say, "Very good, Jason. Teenagers deserve to die; they're all filthy! All of them! But you know, they were just innocent fangirls and fanboys. They didn't mean you any harm. They only wanted your picture or your autograph…or your babies."

Jason tilted his head questioningly.

"We need to get you a computer, dear. You've been single for far too long; maybe we could set you up a page on Facebook! I hear that's all the rage. And besides, your only real competition for fangirls is Freddy Krueger, who couldn't hold a candle to your technique."

She was silent for a while.

"So the next girl or boy that comes running in here, give them a chance. I wanna be a grandma, darnit!"

Jason tried reflecting on this, but as he is a slasher, his thought process doesn't get beyond "I'll try reflecting on this."

Soon enough, a young woman with round features and curly red hair ran up to the cabin, grinning and dancing. They stared at each other for a minute, until Jason finally walked to the door and slowly closed it.

"Um…I just needed to use your bathroom!"

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything here, except the rabid fans. Jason © New Line Cinema.**


End file.
